Xenomorphed

Well, it's officially official and officially unavoidable.  Not that there was really any doubt anymore at this point, but somehow seeing that misshapen blob on the ultrasound screen made it more real.  And more terrifying.

 According to the ultrasound tech, I'm farther than originally estimated by my doctor.  I don't know exactly how much farther.  I assume they'll give me an updated due date when I go back to my regular person.  It still seems weird, because it still feels only semi-real.  I've had only some of the "typical" pregnancy symptoms.  It kind of seemed surreal to see visual proof.

Is there ever a time to lie to one's spouse?  I don't think so, but at the same time I felt awful guilty for telling the truth.  When we left the hospital, B asked me if I was excited and happy.  I told the truth.

No.

I'm not.

Not At All.

I feel like a disposable extra from one of the Alien movies waiting to find out if a chestburster is going to erupt from their innards.

I'm scared, nervous, anxious, a whole slew of things that are decidedly not happy or excited.
I have nightmares almost every night.
I'm surrounded by people who, given the opportunity, squeal and coo and giggle and make all kinds of obscene feminine noises that make me feel even more alienated, alone, scared, and guilty.
I feel even more guilty for smiling at these completely incomprehensible antics.
I feel like I should be excited, but this is just too big to be excited about.  Exciting is a new puppy, or a road trip, or something fun, pleasant, and eagerly awaited.  This is unpleasant and set only to get even more intrusive and unpleasant.  The end of these upcoming gestational months will not mark an end to the upheaval, either, although it should mark the culmination of the physical pain and unpleasantness.

Nope... it only gets even more scary from there, because after that I'm supposed to be responsible for the entirety of the existence of some other human creature.  Puppies, kittens, squirrels, birds, possums, goats.... name it, and at some point I've probably taken extensive care of it, up to and including nursing young back to health who've lost their mother.  They're nothing like human young.  I've dealt with those, too, and quite frankly I don't know what to do with them.  They don't communicate like other baby animals.  It's like they're mentally deficient up until they get to the pointing and grunting stage, which is only marginally better.  If I'm as ignorant of my own child as I am of every other human baby I've ever been forced to tend to, the damned thing won't make it past a year.

I think it was my Gramma who once said that it would be more appropriate to mourn at a birth and rejoice at a funeral.  She said the baby is coming into a world of evil and heartache, while the corpse is going home. There's not much religious stuff that I subscribe to.  I am more of a heathen spiritualist and shun every Western organized religion.  I'm a little more open toward Eastern belief systems, simply because they're less concrete, more tolerant, and less judgmental.  But I'm getting off topic...  I believe that.  I believe that we should be happy when someone dies and sad when someone's born.  Look around you.  Maybe not in your home.  Your home might be a pleasant place full of love and joy.  Look at the world.  The wide world.  Do you like it?  Do you love it?  Does it have a funky beat you can dance to?  You might, but I don't.  It's big, ugly, and indifferent out there.  The 1950's, good neighbors, patriotism, and rolling steel are gone forever from almost everywhere except military housing.  (I have to add that caveat, because I have found good neighbors here, and what actually feels like a neighborhood rather than just a cluster of humans forced to inhabit the same space.)

Why am I not happy and excited?  I was scared and a little disappointed when I thought I was losing it, but now that it seems it's going to keep, I feel even more scared.  Add to that all the excitement that everyone else is displaying, and I feel like maybe there's something not right with me after all.

When I told B that I wasn't happy and excited, that I was still tending toward nervous and scared, he just hugged me.  I know it wasn't the answer he wanted, though.  I'm glad he's happy and excited.  It makes me less scared, and sometimes it's even a little contagious.

Update: I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

I think the last time I posted anything, I was busy rearranging and cleaning the house while B was TDY.
The weekend after that post, I took the 10 hour drive to go down and visit him for a few days.  I have to admit that, while I don't like the area, Fort Bliss has some nicer amenities than Fort Hood.  Fort Hood has two commissaries, two PXs, and a two screen movie theater that's been closed for almost a year.  There is a Chili's,  a Pizza Hut, and a scattering of fast food joints (food court in the Exchanges, a Burger King, and a Blimpie.)

Fort Bliss has a selection of restaurants, including a couple of bars, a sushi place, hot wings joint, a HUGE food court in an actual mall, a theater with I think 10 screens, and other stuff that we never got around to looking at. It's not a big post, but the area it's in is *really* bad.  El Paso, TX/Juarez, Mexico.  We tried really hard not to go off post much while we were there.  I think we left once to go to a really good Italian place, but honestly we didn't need to.  Bliss had so much to offer, that there wasn't much reason to leave.  I suppose if we were actually stationed there, I'd be half tempted to shop somewhere else, because even though there's no sales tax on post, there are no generic brands either.  It is usually cheaper to shop at a big box store like Wal-mart or Sam's Club.  Considering El Paso, though, I'd have to weigh that considerably against the area itself.

It was fun to get out of the house for a few days, even if it was to spend a large portion of time holed up in B's hotel room watching Animal Planet.  Even that was kind of neat, because we don't have cable, and without a converter thingy, we can't even watch the local news.

Speaking of news, while I was at Fort Bliss, I learned some other news.  Apparently, I can get pregnant after all.  It's still really early, so technically anything could happen, but B is so happy and excited.  Since I've miscarried before, and threatened to once already with this one, he just about won't let me do anything.  We were (mildly) arguing this morning about laundry and who would be doing it.  He wants me to "take it easy" and "put your feet up", and "let me do it."  And that's awesome.  I should totally take advantage of that, and I might... later, like when I can't see my toes, catch my breath, or walk up and down the two flights of stairs in our place without being in danger of toppling over frontwards or backwards due to altered center of gravity.  I'm not really complaining.  Well, not entirely.  I'm sort of bragging, too, because he's awesome.  He tries hard to take care of me, and he's been really sweet (mostly) with my random grumpiness and spates of ill-temper.

On the other hand, my neighbor, Bug's Mom, has suggested I bring my knitting and needlework over to her place for a while during the day.  Then I'll be slacking without the guilt, because she'll be slacking, too.  I think it sounds like a great solution to the problem of just sitting and doing nothing, even if it is somewhat justified.  Today, I can't, because the bug folks are coming this afternoon, so this morning I need to get everything out from under the cabinets in the kitchen and bathrooms.  Tomorrow, I might be able to in the afternoon, because all I really have going that morning is the Safe-lite folks are coming to fix the window on the truck.

Which reminds me of another bit of news.  B was driving home from the store and a haircut, when BLAM!  For no apparent reason, the passenger window shattered inward.  He said he thought he was being shot at.  I wouldn't be surprised if someone HAD taken a pot-shot, not thinking that their projectile was going to eventually cross a roadway.  He said no one was around, and it obviously wasn't thrown up from the vehicle in front of him, because then it would've hit the windshield.  He didn't get hurt, which is good, but he was really upset.

Anyway, I think that's all for now.  I have been knitting and cross-stitching, and soon I'll post some finished things, and some patterns.  :-)