Zombie

This is what I've felt like lately.  (

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Wow!  Where did the last month go?  I really think I slept through most of it.

What I've been up to:

We go July 3rd to for our anatomy ultrasound, and might be able to tell friends and family what it is by the time we head up to visit in July.  Maybe now that I'm starting to exit my zombification, I'll start to get some of that excitement.  It's got to kick in at some point, right?  I think mostly I'm still mildly freaked out by the overwhelming feeling of responsibility that's danging over my head on a fraying strand of spiderweb.

A friend gave me a glider and gliding ottoman.  I've been reupholstering it, and so far it looks good (I think). I still have to finish the arms before it's done, but I have to wait until I can afford some more poly-fil.

before

after

I also made a silly little decoration thing out of fun colors of tulle.

You can't see all the fun colors in there, unfortunately.  :-( 

I've also made some attempts at making clothes (thankfully no pictures have been taken).  I went through all my fabric and got rid of all the stuff I realistically knew I wouldn't ever use.  Bye-bye piles of old polyester scraps...  I kept some lightweight cotton feeling fabric, and made an attempt at a dress.  It's ok... a little tenty (ok, a lot tenty), and it doesn't fit right through the bust.  That last bit could be because the darn things keep growing like I'm 13 again.  It seemed to fit ok when I first made it.  It needs lining as well, but a slip would also serve.  I have some more cotton feeling fabric that I am going to attempt to make into some poet/peasant shirts.  I actually have patterns for the shirts.  The dress was a sort of wing-and-a-prayer project.  B says it looks fine, but I'd really rather have a second opinion.  He's been trying so hard to be nice lately that I fear honesty might be suffering for it LOL.  Little white lies about how I look, or the state of the house, not like he's telling fat whoppers.  I made a skirt of out two silk scarves.  It actually turned out about as intended.  I need to seam up the side a little farther or add a second button under the first, but otherwise it turned out ok.  It also needs either a slip or a lining because it's so sheer, but it's lightweight and comfortable.  I don't know if I would brave wearing it outside of the house or just around friends/family, but it serves for now.

I honestly can't afford to buy a maternity wardrobe, so I'm trying to find ways around it.  I've been using rubber bands as button extenders for my pants, but I don't know how long that's going to work out.  My butt seems to be pregnant as well as my thighs.  Ugh!  If either get any bigger I won't be able to fit in my pants and shorts at all to use the rubber band trick.

How I've been:

BITCHY!  Wow, B is a saint.  He really is.  I haven't treated him like much of one the past month or so, but he's rolled with it like a champ.  I get so irritated at the stupidest stuff, and won't realize how stupid I'm being till it's already over.  Then, I'll feel really guilty and want to cry.  I don't cry, so that's even more disturbing than the bitchiness.  Bitchy (in moderation) is normal, but then wanting to cry because I suddenly feel so horrible about being a bitch is not.  I think B is more disturbed when I get leaky around the eyes than he is when I'm abnormally grumpy.  Most of the time he just gives me a hug and says "let it go, babe.  It'll be ok." There have been a few days when I felt he deserved a medal, or a least a commendation of some sort.  He's only gotten grumpy back a couple of times, and then was immediately trying not to be grumpy.  My sister-in-law says that he must be being absolutely amazing, because most pregnant women can't stand their husbands and think they're complete assholes.  There have been times he's gotten on my nerves, but I can recognize (sometimes when it's happening, sometimes later) that I'm being irrational.  I try really hard not to be psychotic, and B tells me I'm doing a good job.  But he also told me once that his philosophy when dealing with his sister when she was pregnant was "If I can't say anything nice, lie."  So he might just be humoring me, but he says I'm not quite as crazy as most of the pregnant women he's dealt with in the past.  I know he tries really really hard to be sweet and considerate, and I appreciate it an awful lot.  Just putting up with me without getting visibly irritated, I think, is a Herculean feat in itself LOL.  He's truly being wonderful.  I try to make it a point to tell him that every day.

So unbelievably tired...  I'll get up, have my single cup of coffee for the day, attempt to start *something* constructive or productive, then wake up on the couch an hour later feeling even worse than when I first woke up.  I'll struggle to stay awake all day, then at night - doing the happy dance of joy all the way there - I crawl in my bed, snuggle up amongst the pillows... and be awake almost all night trotting to the damned bathroom.

Nothing tastes or smells like it ought to.  I'll make something for dinner that I normally would love (like asparagus, or broccoli, or cubed steak, even fried chicken), only to put the first bite in my mouth and go "I don't want it."  We've been eating more fast food and junk lately than I think I've eaten in my entire adult life.  I normally can't stomach junk and fast food for long, because it makes me sick with all the grease.   But here lately, tater tots, hamburgers, hot dogs (oh my gods how I love hot dogs lately!  I normally gag on the thought of them) have been all I've seemed to really enjoy.  I don't only eat that rubbish, but I've indulged more that I really ought to have.  And things smell weird.  For a while I could smell EVERYTHING.  Literally, everything.  After work, I'd have to talk to B from the bottom of the stairs while he changed upstairs, because that's as close as I could stand to get.  Now, though my nose is still more sensitive than normal, it just seems to be out of alignment a bit.  Things seem to smell strange.  I'm completely weird about meat in the fridge now.  It all smells weird to me, so I can't tell if it's ok to cook or eat.  I'm constantly getting B to come smell something and give his opinion.

Fortunately, I haven't had anything I would consider morning sickness, no extreme food aversions, or anything like that.  The closest I have come to that is being strongly offended by the smell of the Blue Bonnets in bloom.  There are fields of them along the state highways down here, and they normally smell wonderful.  Any floral smell made my stomach roll over for a while.  The neighbors have a rose bush by their front door, and I'd have to hold my breath on my way to and from our door.  That's passed, though.  Yay!

Thoughts and Musings: Duplicity and the tenuous thing called Trust

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  Humans are deceitful creatures.  It is amazing the skill with which they will hide their duplicity, and the brashness with which they will carry it out in utter conviction that it won't come back to bite them in the ass one day.

Well, that dog you thought you had by the tail done got a loose, and guess what?  The other end?  It's got teeth, son.

No, this isn't about B, nor is it about me.  Names are intentionally being omitted here, as are details of the circumstances, but I just thought I would take a minute to order my thoughts.  There are a lot of things that I would like to say to faces right now, but B has asked me to please refrain, as it won't do anyone any good but me.

I dislike being misled.
I dislike being lied to.
I dislike having my trust abused.
I dislike having my hospitality violated.
I dislike having my character impugned.
I dislike feeling like my house, my haven, has been dirtied.
I dislike feeling like person or persons unnamed have been using and abusing my trust.
I dislike feeling like I was an unknowing accomplice in something that I feel is morally base, cruel, and in all honesty disgusting.
I dislike having to bite my tongue.

But most of all, I dislike being gullible and naive.

I thought I had moved past a lot of naivete through life experiences, but I guess the truth is that I really wanted to believe better of people.  I wanted to believe better of this community in particular, even though I know that is foolish.  I still wanted it.

You know what I like?  And in some cases what I love?

Knowing that I can trust B uncompromisingly.
Knowing that he can trust me with the same unswerving faith.
Knowing that there are other people out there who I can rely on without worry of having my foundations built on sand.
Knowing that my ignorance has not been held against me.
Knowing.  Yep, just knowing.  Having doubts and suspicions is worse than knowing a thing for a fact.  I don't have to bite my tongue to keep from asking accusatory questions that would have only been met with denials and possibly hostility.

We'll see what happens now.  I know I, for one, will be more mindful of the company I keep and don't keep, as the case may be.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Or at least that's what they tell me.  So, while I was away did you guys like me better?  :-P

By the way:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

B had a couple weeks off work, the last week of December through the first week of January.  While he was off the rule was No Work.  Um... ok.  We were such sloths shambling around the house in our PJs, not waking up till afternoon, and otherwise just being absolutely worthless.  It was fabulous.
Until this past Tuesday when he went back to work, and so did I.

I've been divvying up the work into days.  The kitchen was first, because that is my baby.  I love my kitchen and it's been sadly neglected.  I did the dishes, cooked, etc., but no really good cleaning.  Next was the bathrooms.  They were in the second worst state of sorriness.  Today, I'm primarily focusing on catching up on laundry.  I really should work on straightening up the living room, but for some reason I just don't have the foggiest idea of where to actually start.  There are things that probably will never be unpacked.  I could just chuck them in the basement, but the problem with that is our basement leaks something awful when it rains.  Next time B makes a trip to Lowe's or Home Depot, I am going to get him to pick up some scrap wood.  They let you have odd ends and bits for free, which is really nice.  I'll use that like risers to keep my boxes off the floor.  If it doesn't flood too deep, maybe that will be sufficient.

Sad day!  My neighbor Fin is going back to her home state soon.  Even though sometimes I found her incessant perkiness trying to my patience (I'm just not a perky person), I enjoy her company.  She's always full of fun ideas, and she brightens up otherwise boring or gloomy days.  She's one of the sole reasons I actually go out taking me on random Wal-Mart runs where I would have fun whether I wanted to initially or not (lol), or sitting on one or the other of our front porches in the morning with coffee and just yapping.  Hanging out in the back yard watching her midget run around playing.  :-(  I'm going to miss both of them.  The old saw "the only thing that never changes is change" is smacking me upside the head.  It doesn't change the fact that is sucks, though.