Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Christmas and Roller Coasters

Days keep creeping by one by one.  I feel like I'm waiting for Christmas without knowing exactly when Christmas is.  I may have said that once already.  Christmas is going to be anti-climactic for me this year.  I'm not into Christmas, anyway, but this year, June/July is going to be the best thing since... well since forever lol.

I'm a follower on a few spouse forums, and I read the things the women are saying.  They make me wonder.  The emotional roller coasters these women go on, while I understand them to some extent, I don't understand them.  Yes, I'm worried about him.  Yes, the wait is interminable.  Yes, it's difficult to be so far away.  I haven't heard his voice since January.  I don't really dream of him being here, anymore.  I dream of texting over MSN messenger and messaging over Facebook.  Sometimes I'll wake up with my phone in my hand and a bunch of gobbledygook typed on the screen.  I've even accidentally called friends and co-workers in my sleep trying to message him.  But, I've never broken down in hysterics, didn't have to run from the airport blinded by tears, haven't sat up bawling my eyes out or obsessing over his physical well-being.  When he tells me things that could've resulted in him being hurt or worse, I have that momentary tightening in my stomach and adrenaline spike, but that's quickly gone, and everyday things continue.

This is his/our first deployment.  I haven't exactly become used to or conditioned to it.  So, what's the deal?  Why is it that when I read these posts by these other women going through similar situations as me I feel almost like responding with "What the hell, woman?  Man up!"  How do their men handle it?  Or do they hide it from their men?  Because I just couldn't imagine being over there, dealing with all the stresses of separation, plus the stress of being in a hostile environment and possibly a combat zone, *plus* having to deal with my other half being an emotional wreck all at the same time.  I think that would have to be hard on the person deployed.  Reading their posts, I primarily wonder two things:

1)  Was I just programmed to better handle the stresses this type of life brings with it?  Either through nature or nurture or a combination of the two?  My dad had always been off and on deployed, for all intents and purposes.  He contracts, and some of his contracts are security sensitive, so he can't talk about them.  He goes to work, and we might not see him for a week or two.  You get used to it, I guess, or you get unstable.  And, my family has always been a bunch of pine knots.  We're hard headed, hard people, and tenacious as bulldogs.

2)  Am I just somehow emotionally neutered?  And is this a bad thing? Does it mean that I love my soldier less than they love theirs?

I don't think option 2 is true.  I think that I'd walk through hell if I had to, and maybe just to prove I could.  I know my fight or flight response is a little rigged.  I don't think of flight first, usually.  My first instinct is to fight.  When I'm confronted with an emotionally intense situation, it's the same.  I get angry at it, and I want to tackle it, put my foot on it's neck and growl at it or something.  I don't like to feel defeated, and crying, depression, sadness, those things make me feel weak and defeated.  They make me feel like life is somehow getting the upper hand and I'm losing my place in the pack.  So I think I just squash it, stomp on it, and beat the emotions before they can beat me.

I also find things to do.... like new projects, hah!  I'm going to knit myself into a repetitive stress injury if I'm not careful :-P  And, I think I may have gone a little off the deep end with the "oh my gods he's coming home soon" happies *grins*


  1. Belle...hope you are okay with me calling you that. Anywho. You aren't emotionally stunted, for if you are, then so am I. We, meaning you and I, grew up differently than most. My dad was army, till I was a junior in high school. He was in desert storm. Yes, I missed my dad, and only once did I have a 'meltdown' when they extended his stay unexpectedly in Kuwait. This has translated into my current life in that I don't panic when my fella is away for weekends...(he's no longer enlisted). Don't beat yourself up for the way you react to your fella being gone. Everyone processes things differently. Just be the best you that you can be.

  2. I know I'm not actually stunted, but you know the way thoughts start to do a domino effect in your head. You get going on one, then that leads to another, and the next thing you know you've gone off on a tangent. People do process things differently.

    The only other reason that I really pursue this train of thought is because, sometimes he dances around things with me. Or, he tried to feed me baby bites of information then quickly follows up with "but don't stress so much" or "don't worry". I think he is either imagining me back here stressed to the gills with worry beads in one hand and a tissue in the other, or he expects me to be a little more volatile and unstable than I am.

    Of course... that could likely be explained by some of his previous relationships. He's picked some doozies over the years... whew!!

  3. Oh, and yes, Belle is fine :-) That's actually what I'm called on a daily basis - minus the E.

  4. Perhaps he has heard of stories from his comrades about their significant others, and therefore is trying to 'protect' you from the realities of what is going on where he is. It is kind of sweet that he's worried and yet confident about you and the way you can handle stuff. And yeah, I know about that spaghetti pile of tangency. Only, I call it circular highway thinking, lol. High speed and all over the place. Hopefully, the fellas previous experiences help him appreciate you all the better.

  5. Yeah, he's told me about a few of his battles' experiences. They're usually prefaced by "I appreciate you" or "when's the last time I told you that I appreciate you".


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