Saturday, November 12, 2011

Feeling like a peon

For anyone who has played Warcraft or World of Warcraft:  Work, Work, Work!

I thought I was about done with that transcript.  Turns out I was right, and wrong.  There are three or four more waiting when I get through with this one.  I'm grateful for the work, really I am, but I'm starting to get that weird, underscored electric wire buzz in my brain lately.  The one that feels like it might be lighting a fuse.  I feel pressure to finish, pressure to take another one, pressure to do something constructive around the house, and less and less motivation of any of the above.  It's like feeling the need to take of running, but feeling like you're too tired to move at the same time.

Yeah, I know:  quit yer bitchin, kid.

I have a job.  That is good.  Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

I don't know what's the matter with me.  I've just been so disgruntled lately.  I feel like I need peace and quiet, but when every one is gone, I feel left out.  I feel like I want a quiet night with B, but when it's just us we sit like two lumps and play games on our phones.  I don't know when the last time was we had a an actual two-way conversation just the two of us was.

I want to DO something.  But I can't think of anything that wouldn't require money we really don't have right now.  I want to go hiking.  That's what I really want.  Somewhere pretty.  I think I am feeling homesick, but just not for the "home" we actually left.  I am feeling homesick for my mountains.  I want to go rock hopping.  I wan to smell the autumn leaves.  I want to see a deer, or a rabbit, or a fox in a meadow.  I want crisp air that smells of frost and tingles the inside of my nose.  I want to see my breath when I go outdoors.  I think I'm having an episode of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It's too damned sunny, too damned warm, and it's been that way too damned long.  Where's fall?  Where's winter?  Why is it over 70 outside?

B brought me flowers yesterday, because I've been so irritable.  He said now I have to be in a good mood all weekend.  They have a squirrel in them.  They made me happy.  When I am feeling especially testy, I go smell them.  It helps, but I still feel restless, unsettled, and just generally irritable.  The sounds of Call of Duty:  Modern Warfare are blasting from the living room with almost the volume of an actual battle, I swear.  Pup is down there wearing it out.  Fin is in the back yard reading.  I don't know what B is doing.  I assume he's playing games on his phone.

They went fishing at 0400 this morning, and they're saying they're going back out again tonight.  For some reason that irritates me.  I guess I was hoping that since this was a long weekend, Pup might be going out with some other friends and B and I might spend some time together.  Scratch that idea.  I think my dad was right, and I get to let him tell me "I told you so."  Even though he really doesn't actually *say* I told you so very much.  He really doesn't like to.  He would rather me listen to his warnings, follow his advice, and not have the situation he predicted turn up.  But he warned me that having people over too much would cause B and I not to know how to act when we found ourselves by ourselves.  He's right.  And now I don't know what to do about it.  I think part of it is just my feelings are a little hurt, and I'm feeling very much like a fifth wheel right now.  I shouldn't, because it's not like anyone is intentionally shunting me sideways.  But I think I feel that way because the ideas I had for this long weekend were very different than what is actually playing out.  Since the current activities had no place in my head, I feel out of sorts and out of place.

The next long weekend is Thanksgiving, and while it is my absolute favorite holiday of the whole year, because it is actually something I can agree with, has value to me, and it probably one of the least commercialized of all the holidays, it's a holiday of social gathering and coming together.  Which means that we won't have any more long weekends with the potential for 'Us' time for quite a while.

Anyway, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I guess I need to quit my whining and find some things to be thankful for.
Like my flowers.
My squirrel in my flowers.
The fact that I have a paid job to work on with more transcripts just waiting for me to finish this one.
I got to meet some wonderful people yesterday, and was even honored with the presence of their mother/grandmother who is 93 years old.
I have coffee.
B brought me lunch.
I have friends.
I slept better last night than I have in over a week.
One of the books I ordered is finally on its way.
I'm almost through sorting books, so I can send some to Ms. Terri soon.
I'm gonna get some footie jammies with sock monkey feet.  (just cause... yes, I am juvenile, but they made me giggle, and I'll giggle when I wear them.)
I had apple pie last night, and it was yummy.
There's blueberry pie tonight (Fin baked them both last night with Pup's help.)  I don't like blueberries LOL
Why am I thankful for that?  Because I WON'T eat the pie.  I need to lose 20 lbs (again).


  1. #1 There are all sorts of FREE and fun things to do. Picnics, going to rec park and watching a football or soccer match, hiking, etc.

    #2 Bryan has to know WHAT you want in order to give it to you.

    #3 You have two jobs: Home and work that earns an income. You need to set aside time for three things: home, earning work and REST.

    #4 You should take one day OFF every single week.

    Seriously Ginny you don't have to go hellbent to finish every single thing all the time. Life is too short, housework and work are always ALWAYS there to wait on you.

    Much love,

  2. I know. I need to set a schedule for myself, and I know B can't do what I want unless I tell him. That's part of the problem, I don't know what I want. I'm just restless and irritable. Hiking isn't free around here. The places we might go all have entry fees. We could go for a walk around housing. The hard part is going by ourselves. That's what I want. Something interactive we can do by ourselves. Not a movie, game, or whatever where we don't talk and just sit. A doable do that requires motion and possibly, hopefully, conversation. I have talked to B about this. He's feeling the same conflicting apathy/lethargy and desire to do something that I am. They've gone fishing again. Just left. I almost wish I'd gone with them, but at the same time I know where they went, and I'd be bored and uncomfortable in 10 minutes :-P


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