Thoughts and Musings: Duplicity and the tenuous thing called Trust

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  Humans are deceitful creatures.  It is amazing the skill with which they will hide their duplicity, and the brashness with which they will carry it out in utter conviction that it won't come back to bite them in the ass one day.

Well, that dog you thought you had by the tail done got a loose, and guess what?  The other end?  It's got teeth, son.

No, this isn't about B, nor is it about me.  Names are intentionally being omitted here, as are details of the circumstances, but I just thought I would take a minute to order my thoughts.  There are a lot of things that I would like to say to faces right now, but B has asked me to please refrain, as it won't do anyone any good but me.

I dislike being misled.
I dislike being lied to.
I dislike having my trust abused.
I dislike having my hospitality violated.
I dislike having my character impugned.
I dislike feeling like my house, my haven, has been dirtied.
I dislike feeling like person or persons unnamed have been using and abusing my trust.
I dislike feeling like I was an unknowing accomplice in something that I feel is morally base, cruel, and in all honesty disgusting.
I dislike having to bite my tongue.

But most of all, I dislike being gullible and naive.

I thought I had moved past a lot of naivete through life experiences, but I guess the truth is that I really wanted to believe better of people.  I wanted to believe better of this community in particular, even though I know that is foolish.  I still wanted it.

You know what I like?  And in some cases what I love?

Knowing that I can trust B uncompromisingly.
Knowing that he can trust me with the same unswerving faith.
Knowing that there are other people out there who I can rely on without worry of having my foundations built on sand.
Knowing that my ignorance has not been held against me.
Knowing.  Yep, just knowing.  Having doubts and suspicions is worse than knowing a thing for a fact.  I don't have to bite my tongue to keep from asking accusatory questions that would have only been met with denials and possibly hostility.

We'll see what happens now.  I know I, for one, will be more mindful of the company I keep and don't keep, as the case may be.

The Turning of the Year: Thoughts about the Holidays

http://pyratekirk.newgrounds.com/

There's been a lot of talk about Christmas round these parts lately.  The reason for the season, Santa Claus, trees, etc.  There's so much conflict over this particular holiday.  It, quite frankly, cracks me up.  People will believe anything at all if enough people tell it to them, or if they are told the same thing over and over enough times.

Why do we think Jesus's birthday is at the end of December?   Well, because the church says so, right?  It's just always been that way, right?  Baaaaa Baaaaaaa  Good sheep.  Now go read your bible and tell me whether or not logic dictates that December 25th is the most reasonable time to plug his birthday into the calendar.  Mary and Joseph were on their way to pay their taxes, right?  Right.  Now, way back when in the days of long ago and far away, when was tax season?  It wouldn't likely have been in the middle of winter.  Taxes were often paid in stuff, not coin.  First harvest, first product of the flocks, or the stuff created after harvesting has been completed, which would mean a spring - early summer time frame.  Midwinter is just illogical.

Do you know why we have "Christmas" in midwinter right around the time of the solstice?  Because that's when the Sun/Son is reborn into the world.  The longest, darkest night of the year.  Traditionally people would stay up all night, with candles lit, yule logs burning in the fire place, singing songs, telling tales, and praying that light would come back to the world so they could have another year of crops and critters.  The earth based wheel of the year is agriculturally based.  The Christian cycle of holidays mirrors the pagan cycle on purpose.  The christians, while attempting to supersede the pagans' beliefs, took over the heathen holidays and made up stuff to justify them.  Michaelmas, Candlemas, Pentacost, Christmas, Easter...

And how about this modern take on midwinter?  What's up with the presents, and the stress, and the rush-rush-rush?  I was told that we give and receive presents on Christmas because the Magi brought presents to baby Jesus.  Mmmkay... I don't buy it.  I think our capitalist culture just wanted another way to goad loads of people into spending more money than they ought to yet another day out of the year.  I have the same skeptical feelings about Valentine's day.

People shouldn't feel like it's required to give presents.  If you like it and it makes you happy, then by all means go for it.  But don't overtax yourself.  Don't break the bank.  Don't feel like it's an absolute necessity just to keep in people's good graces.  If someone wants to be offended that badly because they didn't get a present on some trumped up holiday, then they apparently have ulterior motives for keeping you around.  That includes family.  If someone loves you, then they will love your company, or the knowledge that you were thinking of them.  They'll love a small token (like a letter or a phone call) just as much as they would love a present and possibly even more than some present that you went out and bought just because you felt like you had to because "it's Christmas".

Holidays should be spent doing what you enjoy with people you enjoy being with.  Behaving differently just because it's supposed to be a special day does not fly in my book.  If I don't like you the other 364 days a year, chances are I don't like you on Christmas either.  If I want to give you a present, I can just as easily do it any other day of the year and vice versa.  Yes, I do give Christmas presents, and I like doing it.  But no, I do not go out and rack my brains and my bank account trying to find something for everyone.  I do what I can with what I've got, and assume it will be enough because of the love that goes with it.  Not how big the price tag is.

I do admit to having  a bit of a blind spot when it comes to kids, though.  Christmas is a holiday that can be filled with all kinds of magic and memories for children.  Find ways to make the magic happen and make the memories happen.  That doesn't mean take out a personal loan so that you can afford that state of the art toy that just came out.  Make special treats that only get made once a year.  Sing songs.  Play games.  Make decorations.  They'll remember that a lot longer than they'll remember what presents they got.

Feeling like a peon

For anyone who has played Warcraft or World of Warcraft:  Work, Work, Work!

I thought I was about done with that transcript.  Turns out I was right, and wrong.  There are three or four more waiting when I get through with this one.  I'm grateful for the work, really I am, but I'm starting to get that weird, underscored electric wire buzz in my brain lately.  The one that feels like it might be lighting a fuse.  I feel pressure to finish, pressure to take another one, pressure to do something constructive around the house, and less and less motivation of any of the above.  It's like feeling the need to take of running, but feeling like you're too tired to move at the same time.

Yeah, I know:  quit yer bitchin, kid.

I have a job.  That is good.  Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

I don't know what's the matter with me.  I've just been so disgruntled lately.  I feel like I need peace and quiet, but when every one is gone, I feel left out.  I feel like I want a quiet night with B, but when it's just us we sit like two lumps and play games on our phones.  I don't know when the last time was we had a an actual two-way conversation just the two of us was.

I want to DO something.  But I can't think of anything that wouldn't require money we really don't have right now.  I want to go hiking.  That's what I really want.  Somewhere pretty.  I think I am feeling homesick, but just not for the "home" we actually left.  I am feeling homesick for my mountains.  I want to go rock hopping.  I wan to smell the autumn leaves.  I want to see a deer, or a rabbit, or a fox in a meadow.  I want crisp air that smells of frost and tingles the inside of my nose.  I want to see my breath when I go outdoors.  I think I'm having an episode of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It's too damned sunny, too damned warm, and it's been that way too damned long.  Where's fall?  Where's winter?  Why is it over 70 outside?

B brought me flowers yesterday, because I've been so irritable.  He said now I have to be in a good mood all weekend.  They have a squirrel in them.  They made me happy.  When I am feeling especially testy, I go smell them.  It helps, but I still feel restless, unsettled, and just generally irritable.  The sounds of Call of Duty:  Modern Warfare are blasting from the living room with almost the volume of an actual battle, I swear.  Pup is down there wearing it out.  Fin is in the back yard reading.  I don't know what B is doing.  I assume he's playing games on his phone.

They went fishing at 0400 this morning, and they're saying they're going back out again tonight.  For some reason that irritates me.  I guess I was hoping that since this was a long weekend, Pup might be going out with some other friends and B and I might spend some time together.  Scratch that idea.  I think my dad was right, and I get to let him tell me "I told you so."  Even though he really doesn't actually *say* I told you so very much.  He really doesn't like to.  He would rather me listen to his warnings, follow his advice, and not have the situation he predicted turn up.  But he warned me that having people over too much would cause B and I not to know how to act when we found ourselves by ourselves.  He's right.  And now I don't know what to do about it.  I think part of it is just my feelings are a little hurt, and I'm feeling very much like a fifth wheel right now.  I shouldn't, because it's not like anyone is intentionally shunting me sideways.  But I think I feel that way because the ideas I had for this long weekend were very different than what is actually playing out.  Since the current activities had no place in my head, I feel out of sorts and out of place.

The next long weekend is Thanksgiving, and while it is my absolute favorite holiday of the whole year, because it is actually something I can agree with, has value to me, and it probably one of the least commercialized of all the holidays, it's a holiday of social gathering and coming together.  Which means that we won't have any more long weekends with the potential for 'Us' time for quite a while.

Anyway, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I guess I need to quit my whining and find some things to be thankful for.
Like my flowers.
My squirrel in my flowers.
The fact that I have a paid job to work on with more transcripts just waiting for me to finish this one.
I got to meet some wonderful people yesterday, and was even honored with the presence of their mother/grandmother who is 93 years old.
I have coffee.
B brought me lunch.
I have friends.
I slept better last night than I have in over a week.
One of the books I ordered is finally on its way.
I'm almost through sorting books, so I can send some to Ms. Terri soon.
I'm gonna get some footie jammies with sock monkey feet.  (just cause... yes, I am juvenile, but they made me giggle, and I'll giggle when I wear them.)
I had apple pie last night, and it was yummy.
There's blueberry pie tonight (Fin baked them both last night with Pup's help.)  I don't like blueberries LOL
Why am I thankful for that?  Because I WON'T eat the pie.  I need to lose 20 lbs (again).

Mondays suck

I saw this today, and it sums it up pretty good, I think.

I'm just in some kind of funk or something.  I don't even know where to begin grousing about them in order to sort my thoughts enough to set what's irritating me to rights.

I'm restless.  I feel twitchy, itchy, fidgety.  I can't sleep, even though my eyes feel like sandpaper right now, and I know tomorrow is going to come way too early.  I can't focus on work, because I've got squirrel syndrome.  I keep looking out the window, alt-tabbing to surf the web for random stuff or forgetting what I alt-tabbed for and getting lost on Facebook.

It's not just restlessness.  I feel frustrated and a tad worried, too.  I probably just worry too much, but that's a family tradition.

One of the things that's been irking me:  a typical day for B.
0500 - get up, drink coffee that I preset for him before we went to bed, and chain smoke before PT
0530 - leave way too early to get to PT, which doesn't start until 0630.  Chain smoke and bullshit
0630 - PT
0700 - wake me up (usually with a cup of coffee in hand, because I'm not human till after two cups)
0800 - eat the breakfast I made for him, take the vitamins I set out for him, and usually play games on his phone, smoke, and/or bullshit with the pup before formation.
0830 - leave for formation
0900 - formation
0930 - or thereabouts he's usually home, parked on the couch playing video games.
1330 or 1430 - leave for closeout
1400 or 1500 - closeout
1530 - or thereabouts he's usually home, parked on the couch playing video games until I tell him dinner is ready.

Yes, there is bullshit involved in the military.  I know this.  I worked for them for 5 years, and for 5 years after that I worked in local government.  But, it's standard issue bullshit.  You ignore it, let it roll off, get over it, whatever.  Especially when all you do for most of your paid days is play video games.  Why would you let that standard issue bullshit bother you all to hell and back?  Ok, so you had to work CQ detail Sunday and Monday when everyone else got a four day weekend.  Guess what?  You are the most useless MOS in the Army, stateside.  Overseas, yes you would have stuff to do that is relevant to your MOS.  Over here?  Not so much.  Not unless they instate martial law on the populace and the infantry is called out to subdue the masses.  But if I had to make a rough estimate, B only actually has something to do one out of four days.  But he needs a vacation, he's pissed off, he's this, he's that.  Really??  You have a cake job right now.  STFU.

Another thing that's been under my skin is POG this, POG that, I'm the infantry.  Rah rah rah.  K.... you're the infantry, but you can't pass weight and tape.  He got his panties in a bunch because he got skipped over for WLC, even though all the other infantry guys in his unit are going.  He brought this to the attention of his 1st, and his first pushed his packet, got him through.  He just had to pass weight and tape.  He's supposed to be able to pass weight and tape at any given time.  He's supposed to be able to pass an APFT at any time.  Can he?  Heck no.  He comes home, sits on his ass and plays video games all day.  I have begged him to come get me on days he's got nothing to do, and we'll go to the gym, go to the track, go any damned place and do any damned thing.  He's always got an excuse.

BUT!!

He still talks about SF and Rangers like it's going to happen.  WTF?  HOW?!  You can't do it if you won't get off your ass.

When he finds out he has to meet standards, he wraps up in plastic wrap, trash bags, and two layers of clothes, and he, Pup, Fin, and I all go to the track so he can try to pull a miracle out of his ass by sweating off a few inches.  Now it's down to some kind of wire, he's motivated, but last minute -- literally 12 hours prior -- emergency maneuvers are not going to save you when you're a full 4% over, at least.

So when he failed weight and tape, his first said no waiver.  Because if B couldn't pass weight and tape to get in, the other possibility was to pass weight and tape at completion of WLC.  B's on a profile for a knee brace and own pace PT.  There wasn't much point in sending him in the first place if they have to do anything strenuous physically.

Speaking of that knee... what has everyone -- from me, to medical, and all his friends who are in good condition and have experience with sporting injuries -- been telling him?  Wear the brace, keep active, low-no impact cardio, and targeted exercises to strengthen the supporting tissues.  That does not mean bust out 30 laps on the track in one night in a desperate, half-baked attempt to lose what you should've been working to keep off these past few months you've been home, then doing jack and shit all the rest of the time and wonder why your knee hurts like hell and you can barely walk the next day.  It doesn't mean taking the brace off because you've had a good run of days, then going to play football.  Because you know what?  Football is high impact.  You know what else?  You haven't been conditioning the muscles and supportive tissues, so you're not strengthening the fubar-ed joint.  Now, you've probably reversed whatever good had been done, and you're back to gimping around on a joint that will barely support your weight.

But you still say rah rah rah I'm the infantry, I can take on those dirty POGs.  Really?  Because the most exercise I get is up and down the stairs doing laundry, but if we kept my pace from start to finish, I think I could outdistance him.

I don't know whether to laugh at him, slap him, or mollycoddle him.  I'm at a loss.  And I don't know if he's taken into consideration the downsizing coming up.  He needs to do something to mark himself out, or he's going to be marked to go home.  And that's where my worry comes in.  Right now he's spending over our means, because he has a private account to draw out of that he ratholed while he was deployed.  I've been trying to work only out of the two joint accounts.  One is where his pay is deposited, and the other is where my pay (erratic though it is) is deposited.  Without both of those incomes, we'd be underwater.  As it is, I can barely keep our heads up.  Once his secret stash runs out, he's going to have to do some curtailing.  And that's if he doesn't get a medical discharge or get booted in the downsizing.

But instead of making himself exemplary, he's wallowing in self-pity because he's getting crap details.  He's an E3 with no specific purpose in the rear.  What else are they going to have him doing?  If he wanted a job to do every day that was relevant to his MOS, he should've chosen something a little more flexible.  I know, I'm not doing myself any favors by laying awake at night trying to come up with contingency plans for what to do and where to go when he can't pass the APFT and get's put on warning or something, or for when they decide an 11B with a gimped up knee isn't really very useful and medically discharge him.  I've talked to him about a sideways move to a different MOS, but he's got SF and Rangers on the brain.  Baby, you're over 30.  You're going to be competing with kids half your age almost.  You need to be hopeful, keep dreams alive, but you also have to be realistic.  Especially with that damned knee.

Ugh.  Grr..  *sigh*

And I don't even know whether or not to hit publish on this, because it feels like one great big whiny tantrum, but damnit I'm frustrated, tired, and completely at a loss as to how to light a fire under him.  He's bitch bitch bitch when it comes to the retarded crap he can't control, but when it comes to what is within his realm of authority he seems to be apathetic.  When I asked him what we were doing for exercise today, he said it'll depend on what we do for PT in the morning.  He knew already they didn't have PT today, because of some inspection or other.  It was a cop-out.  When I asked him what he planned to do about getting back to where he could pass the APFT, he said there's technically not one.  It's being revised, yes.  But I bet you dollars to doughnut the old SOP is in effect until the new SOP is agreed upon and authorized.  And the longer he puts off getting back into shape, the harder it will be.

He started his coffee cup thing again, but I have to chase after him about it.  He damn near refuses to drink water, even though we made an agreement:  water all day (after coffee), tea with dinner.  Today he admitted to a soda when I was giving him the hairy eyeball about the huge glass of tea he had poured after dinner.  I had only seen him with one cup (literally an 8 oz cup) of water all day.

I don't want to have to be a nag or a harridan.
I don't want to have to chase after him like a child.
I don't want him to lose another opportunity to advance simply because he won't step up.
I don't want to be another cause for him to be irritated and bitchy all the time.
I don't want to be irritated and bitchy because I'm doing all of the above.
I don't want to be up the proverbial creek with no paddle either, though so if it comes down to it, I'll take being a bitch over being rudderless in the storm.

I feel like I've been most of those things these past couple weeks.  Don't get me wrong, I love him to death and this isn't some kind of warning knell of discord in utopia or anything like that.  These past couple weeks have just been very stressful.  I don't even know if he realizes how much stress some of these things causes me.  I don't even know if I was this stressed while he was deployed, because I knew that everything on that side of the world was out of my hands.  I had to either let it go or have a heart attack.  I feel like I can't let this stuff go, because it can be controlled.  Weight can be lost.  I lost around 80 lbs.  Injuries can heal if you give them time and proper care.  Endurance can be increased.  Wind can be regained.  All the things that are bothering me right now are within his power to change, and are necessary changes if he wants to get to do any of the things he swears he's going to.  But will he make the changes?  Will he work for it?  Or has he just gotten complacent and decided to roll over.  Que cera cera,.  Bull shit.

I wonder if he'd make a halfway decent house husband if I left him a detailed inventory of what needed to be done in a day?  Gods what a thought...  But, I'm still hovering at around 3%, maybe 4%.  With pup's help, I could make weight and meet entry PT requirements.  I've got a master's degree in psych.  OTC, a commission.  I haven't given up on the concept.  I need to decide one way or the other soon, though.  I'm almost too old, if I'm not too old already.

Can I just go beat my head on a brick wall now?