Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I saw this today, and it sums it up pretty good, I think.
I'm just in some kind of funk or something. I don't even know where to begin grousing about them in order to sort my thoughts enough to set what's irritating me to rights.
I'm restless. I feel twitchy, itchy, fidgety. I can't sleep, even though my eyes feel like sandpaper right now, and I know tomorrow is going to come way too early. I can't focus on work, because I've got squirrel syndrome. I keep looking out the window, alt-tabbing to surf the web for random stuff or forgetting what I alt-tabbed for and getting lost on Facebook.
It's not just restlessness. I feel frustrated and a tad worried, too. I probably just worry too much, but that's a family tradition.
One of the things that's been irking me: a typical day for B.
0500 - get up, drink coffee that I preset for him before we went to bed, and chain smoke before PT
0530 - leave way too early to get to PT, which doesn't start until 0630. Chain smoke and bullshit
0630 - PT
0700 - wake me up (usually with a cup of coffee in hand, because I'm not human till after two cups)
0800 - eat the breakfast I made for him, take the vitamins I set out for him, and usually play games on his phone, smoke, and/or bullshit with the pup before formation.
0830 - leave for formation
0900 - formation
0930 - or thereabouts he's usually home, parked on the couch playing video games.
1330 or 1430 - leave for closeout
1400 or 1500 - closeout
1530 - or thereabouts he's usually home, parked on the couch playing video games until I tell him dinner is ready.
Yes, there is bullshit involved in the military. I know this. I worked for them for 5 years, and for 5 years after that I worked in local government. But, it's standard issue bullshit. You ignore it, let it roll off, get over it, whatever. Especially when all you do for most of your paid days is play video games. Why would you let that standard issue bullshit bother you all to hell and back? Ok, so you had to work CQ detail Sunday and Monday when everyone else got a four day weekend. Guess what? You are the most useless MOS in the Army, stateside. Overseas, yes you would have stuff to do that is relevant to your MOS. Over here? Not so much. Not unless they instate martial law on the populace and the infantry is called out to subdue the masses. But if I had to make a rough estimate, B only actually has something to do one out of four days. But he needs a vacation, he's pissed off, he's this, he's that. Really?? You have a cake job right now. STFU.
Another thing that's been under my skin is POG this, POG that, I'm the infantry. Rah rah rah. K.... you're the infantry, but you can't pass weight and tape. He got his panties in a bunch because he got skipped over for WLC, even though all the other infantry guys in his unit are going. He brought this to the attention of his 1st, and his first pushed his packet, got him through. He just had to pass weight and tape. He's supposed to be able to pass weight and tape at any given time. He's supposed to be able to pass an APFT at any time. Can he? Heck no. He comes home, sits on his ass and plays video games all day. I have begged him to come get me on days he's got nothing to do, and we'll go to the gym, go to the track, go any damned place and do any damned thing. He's always got an excuse.
He still talks about SF and Rangers like it's going to happen. WTF? HOW?! You can't do it if you won't get off your ass.
When he finds out he has to meet standards, he wraps up in plastic wrap, trash bags, and two layers of clothes, and he, Pup, Fin, and I all go to the track so he can try to pull a miracle out of his ass by sweating off a few inches. Now it's down to some kind of wire, he's motivated, but last minute -- literally 12 hours prior -- emergency maneuvers are not going to save you when you're a full 4% over, at least.
So when he failed weight and tape, his first said no waiver. Because if B couldn't pass weight and tape to get in, the other possibility was to pass weight and tape at completion of WLC. B's on a profile for a knee brace and own pace PT. There wasn't much point in sending him in the first place if they have to do anything strenuous physically.
Speaking of that knee... what has everyone -- from me, to medical, and all his friends who are in good condition and have experience with sporting injuries -- been telling him? Wear the brace, keep active, low-no impact cardio, and targeted exercises to strengthen the supporting tissues. That does not mean bust out 30 laps on the track in one night in a desperate, half-baked attempt to lose what you should've been working to keep off these past few months you've been home, then doing jack and shit all the rest of the time and wonder why your knee hurts like hell and you can barely walk the next day. It doesn't mean taking the brace off because you've had a good run of days, then going to play football. Because you know what? Football is high impact. You know what else? You haven't been conditioning the muscles and supportive tissues, so you're not strengthening the fubar-ed joint. Now, you've probably reversed whatever good had been done, and you're back to gimping around on a joint that will barely support your weight.
But you still say rah rah rah I'm the infantry, I can take on those dirty POGs. Really? Because the most exercise I get is up and down the stairs doing laundry, but if we kept my pace from start to finish, I think I could outdistance him.
I don't know whether to laugh at him, slap him, or mollycoddle him. I'm at a loss. And I don't know if he's taken into consideration the downsizing coming up. He needs to do something to mark himself out, or he's going to be marked to go home. And that's where my worry comes in. Right now he's spending over our means, because he has a private account to draw out of that he ratholed while he was deployed. I've been trying to work only out of the two joint accounts. One is where his pay is deposited, and the other is where my pay (erratic though it is) is deposited. Without both of those incomes, we'd be underwater. As it is, I can barely keep our heads up. Once his secret stash runs out, he's going to have to do some curtailing. And that's if he doesn't get a medical discharge or get booted in the downsizing.
But instead of making himself exemplary, he's wallowing in self-pity because he's getting crap details. He's an E3 with no specific purpose in the rear. What else are they going to have him doing? If he wanted a job to do every day that was relevant to his MOS, he should've chosen something a little more flexible. I know, I'm not doing myself any favors by laying awake at night trying to come up with contingency plans for what to do and where to go when he can't pass the APFT and get's put on warning or something, or for when they decide an 11B with a gimped up knee isn't really very useful and medically discharge him. I've talked to him about a sideways move to a different MOS, but he's got SF and Rangers on the brain. Baby, you're over 30. You're going to be competing with kids half your age almost. You need to be hopeful, keep dreams alive, but you also have to be realistic. Especially with that damned knee.
Ugh. Grr.. *sigh*
And I don't even know whether or not to hit publish on this, because it feels like one great big whiny tantrum, but damnit I'm frustrated, tired, and completely at a loss as to how to light a fire under him. He's bitch bitch bitch when it comes to the retarded crap he can't control, but when it comes to what is within his realm of authority he seems to be apathetic. When I asked him what we were doing for exercise today, he said it'll depend on what we do for PT in the morning. He knew already they didn't have PT today, because of some inspection or other. It was a cop-out. When I asked him what he planned to do about getting back to where he could pass the APFT, he said there's technically not one. It's being revised, yes. But I bet you dollars to doughnut the old SOP is in effect until the new SOP is agreed upon and authorized. And the longer he puts off getting back into shape, the harder it will be.
He started his coffee cup thing again, but I have to chase after him about it. He damn near refuses to drink water, even though we made an agreement: water all day (after coffee), tea with dinner. Today he admitted to a soda when I was giving him the hairy eyeball about the huge glass of tea he had poured after dinner. I had only seen him with one cup (literally an 8 oz cup) of water all day.
I don't want to have to be a nag or a harridan.
I don't want to have to chase after him like a child.
I don't want him to lose another opportunity to advance simply because he won't step up.
I don't want to be another cause for him to be irritated and bitchy all the time.
I don't want to be irritated and bitchy because I'm doing all of the above.
I don't want to be up the proverbial creek with no paddle either, though so if it comes down to it, I'll take being a bitch over being rudderless in the storm.
I feel like I've been most of those things these past couple weeks. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death and this isn't some kind of warning knell of discord in utopia or anything like that. These past couple weeks have just been very stressful. I don't even know if he realizes how much stress some of these things causes me. I don't even know if I was this stressed while he was deployed, because I knew that everything on that side of the world was out of my hands. I had to either let it go or have a heart attack. I feel like I can't let this stuff go, because it can be controlled. Weight can be lost. I lost around 80 lbs. Injuries can heal if you give them time and proper care. Endurance can be increased. Wind can be regained. All the things that are bothering me right now are within his power to change, and are necessary changes if he wants to get to do any of the things he swears he's going to. But will he make the changes? Will he work for it? Or has he just gotten complacent and decided to roll over. Que cera cera,. Bull shit.
I wonder if he'd make a halfway decent house husband if I left him a detailed inventory of what needed to be done in a day? Gods what a thought... But, I'm still hovering at around 3%, maybe 4%. With pup's help, I could make weight and meet entry PT requirements. I've got a master's degree in psych. OTC, a commission. I haven't given up on the concept. I need to decide one way or the other soon, though. I'm almost too old, if I'm not too old already.
Can I just go beat my head on a brick wall now?